Games people play

Just in case you get in a bad relationship or are in one with family, friend, etc. Very unproductive use of time. I posted this due to the post on the kissing threat which can end up in being a game as well and so much of PUA is just a big game, don't let it go to your head and destroy the relationships around you!

The Games People Play
http://www.raydw.com/games.htm


No we are not talking about checkers, football or cards.

These are the psychological games people play. The famous Dr. Eric Berne defined a psychological game like this " a recurring set of transactions often repetitive, superficially rational, with a concealed motivation; or, more colloquially, as a series of transactions with a snare, or gimmick. "

The criteria, that defines transactions as games is as follows :

1. A continuing series of complementary transactions, that are credible on the social level. Basically it looks like honest, good old social interaction between people.
2. An ulterior transaction, which is the basic message of the game. There is a concealed message. This is not straightforward, honest social intercourse.
3. There is a predictable payoff and this ends the game. This is the purpose of playing the game.

These psychological games are similar to games like chess, or monopoly. The players need to know the game in order to play. These psychological games have a beginning, rules, and an ending or payoff, but have an ulterior, concealed purpose. These are usually not played for fun. Most are not fun. People unconsciously search out others with whom they can play the game.

Those involved in playing the game are not fully aware of what is going on. It is something that the participants are not fully conscious of. Games form the most important aspect of human social life all around the world. You cannot understand human behavior if you don't take into account the games people play. Wherever people interact you are bound to find games. Nations play them too.

Many fairy tales are based on the games people have played from time immemorial. Some examples are Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Emperor's New Clothes, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Peter Pan, and so on.

Games are essentially dishonest. Is it possible to live a life where one did not play any games ? Perhaps, but it is extremely unlikely and difficult. It may be barely possible. Most people can't live without their games.

Example of a game (there are over 90 described in the link):

The first game that Berne introduces in Games People Play is "If It Weren't For You" or IWFY. Berne uses this game as an example to explain all types of games. Berne writes:

Mrs. White complained that her husband severely restricted her social activities, so that she had never learned to dance. Due to changes in her attitude brought about psychiatric treatment, her husband became less sure of himself and more indulgent. Mrs. White was then free to enlarge the scope of her activities. She signed up for dancing classes, and then discovered to her despair that she had a morbid hear of dance floors and had to abandon this project.

This unfortunate adventure, along with similar ones, laid out some important aspects of her marriage. Out of her many suitors, she had picked a domineering man for a husband. She was then in a position to complain that she could do all sorts of things "it if weren't for you." Many of her woman friends had domineering husbands, and when they met for their morning coffee, they spent a good deal of time playing "If It Weren't For Him."

As it turned out, however, contrary to her complaints, her husband was performing a very real service for her by forbidding her to do something she was deeply afraid of, and by preventing her, in fact, from even becoming aware of her fears. This was one reason... [she] had chosen such a husband.

His prohibitions and her complaints frequently led to quarrels, so that their sex life was seriously impaired. She and her husband had little in common besides their household worries and the children, so that their quarrels stood out as important events.

I loved the book. Are the two related?

Games are complicated affairs. I think they tie in an similar way to how PUA ties back into life. PUA is molded around using psychology to created desirable situations with others. Games happen when psychology and manipulation goes too far or even backfires in a never ending cycle. They aren't exactly in the same league though. Games are perpetual interaction cycles that always lead to an unconstructive pay off. Like with everything, knowing desirable outcomes is the key and when the outcomes is not achieved the reason is because the problem wasn't properly addressed (and nothing more). We must all learn that the outcomes and results we desire are 100% in our control we simply have to hit the correct recipe. With every action there is an appropriate reaction from others. If it wasn't the reaction we desired, it was because we failed to perform properly on our end.