A DHV story I wrote (The first. Need input please!)

(I've been mulling this idea around for about a week. Decided to finnaly write it down and get some input on it. Also need ways to flip the 4 main switches more, there are alot of lesser switches here though! All of this is true in this original form)
Ever since I was really young, I've wanted to travel the world. I've always thought it would be alot of fun to travel around and see the world. That's one of the things I enjoyed about my time in the Army.(For some women I'm sure just being in the military will flip the Protector of loved ones switch?) I got to live in Germany and it was great. The Alps were beautiful, very scenic. Germans really enjoy life, they like to party and have fun, I really admire other people who want to get the most out of life.(Fun loving, live for the moment) How about you? (Let her chime in and offer her opinion) So check this out. . . When I was in Iraq I was riding in a Black Hawk helocopter and I looked out the window and there was the ancient city of Babalyon. (Dramatic pause) Yeah the one in the Bible. As we flew by I looked down and there was the Gate of Ishtar, it really stands out from the sky because it's this dark blue color, and everything around it is pretty much the color of the desert. So what about you, do you like to travel?(End of story, let her qualify herself. )

Not bad at all if you find the right girl. Protector of loved ones and willingness to emote. It shows a complexity to your character, fighter yet able to apretiate beauty. If you can show leadership of men in there as well you'll have yourself a very effective DHV.

(Some minor editing here, to add new parts and spikes) Ever since I was really young, I've wanted to travel the world. I've always thought it would be alot of fun to travel around and see the world. That's one of the things I enjoyed about my time in the Army. I got to live in Germany and it was great. The Alps were beautiful, very scenic. Some weekends I would get some of my friends together and we'd all go out to the German clubs, or a beer fest or something.(Here's my leader of men spike, plus show that I am spontaneus.) Germans really enjoy life, they like to party and have fun, I really admire other people who want to get the most out of life.(Fun loving, live for the moment) How about you? (Let her chime in and offer her opinion. If she says she is too, I reward her with an "Awesome" or a "Sweet" if she says on the other hand that she's a homebody I neg her. "We would never work out together. I'd be trying to go to go out, and I wouldn't be able to able to drag you off the couch.) So check this out. . . When I was in Iraq I was riding in a Black Hawk helocopter and I looked out the window and there was the ancient city of Babylon. (Dramatic pause) Yeah the one in the Bible. As we flew by I looked down and there was the Gate of Ishtar, it really stands out from the sky because it's this dark blue color, and everything around it is pretty much the color of the desert. So what about you, do you like to travel? I bet you have all kinds of adventures!

How do you plan on delivering this monologue within a spoken dialogue? Only mention the first sentence, if she asks a question keep going. She asks questions, you answer. And so on

Hey RockandRollah, Welcome to the forums.

To be honest i didnt read your post, but i may be able to help. First off i dont want to come accross sounding like a english class teachers pet, but the way your write posts here and the way you vocalize are going to determine in large how people react to what your saying.

You didnt bother using any paragraphs and that makes it hard to follow, some people like myself simply wouldnt bother reading it even though your title and topic where of interest.

Its like if your out and talking to a set...if you talk too fast, too slow, or do not tell a story in a chronological order...it doesnt matter if your material/subject is the most interesting, people will simply lose interest.

Below is a link to a sort of guide i wrote some time back. That was taken from a post of mine from another forum where it became a very popular post and i helped dozens of people develop their stories. Unfortunatly i do not have the time to take such a hands on aproach now, but this post may help lay the frame work to get you deveolping your stories.

http://www.tripps-pua-forum.com/dhv-stories-f31/comprehensive-guide-to-making-dhv-stories-t96.htm

Hobbit brought up a good point too. You dont want to ramble on, and one of the best ways to do that is to be a little vague and mysterious when telling a story, planning to make it compelling enough to get the person to ask questions and or relate. This gets them invlovled and interacting, instead of just listening. It helps your story become conversation instead of a story. They become invested in your conversation and are interesting.

I have a story of mine in the above link that is a good example of this. Hope this helps.

(Ok paragraphs are cool, cut some of the fluff and unnessacary wording. As for adding mystery well having a harder time with that. But there is plenty of room for questions.)

I've always thought it would be alot of fun to travel around and see the world. That's one of the things I enjoyed about my time in the Army. . . I got to live in Germany. . . and it was great. The Alps were beautiful, very scenic. Some weekends I would get some of my friends together and we'd all go out to the German clubs, or a beer fest or something.(Here's my leader of men spike, plus show that I am spontaneus.) Germans really enjoy life, they like to party and have fun, I really admire other people who want to get the most out of life.(Fun loving, live for the moment) How about you?

So check this out. . . When I was in Iraq I was riding in a Black Hawk helocopter and I looked out the window and there was the ancient city of Babylon. (Dramatic pause) Yeah the one in the Bible. . . As we flew by I looked down and there was the Gate of Ishtar, it really stands out from the sky because it's this dark blue color, and everything around it is pretty much the color of the desert. So what about you, do you like to travel?

I like the story, but the tell tale sign will be trying it and modifying it based on the reactions of your audience/targets.

Paragraphs are important because they show seperations of ideas, it will benefit you to write and post that way because when you look back on them it will be easier for you to follow.

The first segment is good and leaves me wanting to ask why you were in germany (even though the obvious answer might be deployment...), assume some ppl will ask that. Worst case scenario it creates a link between you and the listener, getting them to relate a travel experience or ask you more about yours.

The second segment i would reword the beginning. "So check this out". It should be more along the lines of "You'll never beleive this", or "OMG another cool thing was...". The difference may be subtle, and yours may be fine, but personally i beleive that that line leaves the possabilty for someone to refuse or cut in....maybe its just me.

Also id change the ending, instad of asking a bland question like that after a unique story, challenge them to share a unique story with you. "So whats the coolest place/monument/historical site you've ever been to?" or "Have you ever been to a place that unique/beautiful/historic?"

Hope this helps, but so far impressed, looks like your on the right track. Just gotta get out there and use it over and over.

(Thanks again for all the advice Ka! Latest edit)
I've always thought it would be alot of fun to travel around and see the world. That's one of the things I enjoyed about my time in the Army. . . I got to live in Germany. . . and it was great. The Alps were beautiful, very scenic. Some weekends I would get some of my friends together and we'd all go out to the German clubs, or a beer fest or something. Germans really enjoy life, they like to party and have fun, I really admire other people who want to get the most out of life. How about you?

Something else really cool was what I saw back when I was in Iraq. I was riding in a Black Hawk helocopter watching out the window, checking out the view of the land, and there was the ancient city of Babylon. Yeah the one in the Bible. . . As we flew by I looked down and there was the Gate of Ishtar, it really stands out from the sky because it's this dark blue color, and everything around it is pretty much the color of the desert. So what about you, have you ever been somewhere with a lot of history like that?