The Opposite of ...

Well I haven't really posted in a while, so here is a good chance to do one.

I dropped my graduate program.
My AA has gotten worse.
I'm joining the military.

Let me start from up top. Reason behind dropping my graduate program is, well, it isn't what I wanted to do. I understand that now. It just took me $1,300 and 6 weeks to realize it. I was doing it because my dad could get me a good job with it. That's a bad reason as any to do 2 years of graduate school when you don't really enjoy it.

The AA part has gotten worse. It's almost like I'm there but not really there. When a girl asks me a question - I say, wow, your attractive - I'd so marry you right now.

Sadly, I'm not even kidding about that part.

Since I live near campus I wanted to make an attempt to be social for the first time - well - in my 5 years of college life. My room-mate said I'm just "going to class. Not experiencing college." - So I got a little side gig as being an intramural referee. $8 an hr to ref sports. Lord knows I love sports. It's perfect. I thought that things would magically change. Working out every day. Eating right. Living on my own (with ca$h assistance from my parents of course). I should be knee deep in women. But there is no magic cure.

I might not know anybody but from what I have gathered they know me. My roomie plays flag football and there was a good size crowd watching the "game of the week" that I was reffing. He said people on the sidelines knew of me... (Guy with the Jordan Tattoo. The crazy looking cleats. The guy who clearly works out cause the ref shirts are a bit too small for my arms/chest/shoulders. And of course... the car) - I'm not sure how that made me feel. It's cool I have a reputation when I don't go out or talk to anybody other than my 2-3 friends I hang out with. At the same time...made me wonder.

On that same note - my psychologist on campus also plays flag football on a recrational co-ed team. He said that just by my swagger, my walk, my attidue - I would have no need to be seeing him for my issues. But then he realized because I have such low self confidence around new people - I'm confident - but then I over compensate for that. It's like if you twist your ankle once, you'll wrap tape around it. After constant years of twisting your ankle - you put too much tape - and then it becomes non-mobile. Thats what my attidue is like. He told me yesterday in session, "The way I walk and act it's like I'm the motherfuckin man. I'm cool. Just - your not even cool enough to approach or talk to me..." - so wow. The one thing I want more than anything - and I'm sending out the signals - "I'm too good for you..." - Ah the irony.

Now the military part. I'm tired of being a professional student. I'm obviosuly not understanding or enjoying the "college life" so there is really no need for me to be here. Sure I'm furthering my education but where is the career? Where is the job? I'll be 26 with 3 degrees, no job, no women. That is failure at it's heart.

So I was looking, I can be commisioned as an officer and still use my degree in the military. Either in Public Affairs (writing) or possibly Logestics and Supply (business). Sure there is a 12 week officer training class. Sure I'll get yelled at. Sure I'll have to run 3-4 miles a day, push ups, sit ups, then learn how to be a Naval officer...but thats ok. I'm numb. I would just go with the flow. As tripp said a while back, yes, I'm actually out of touch with reality at this point. So send me off to Germany, Turkey, or Japan. Maybe I'll land on a sea-duty (on a boat for 2-3 years...of course they'll dock the boat for maybe 3-5 weeks at a time) - but that's ok. I'll be getting paid and actually moving foward with a career. Not just wasting time gathering degrees and watching other people experience life.

While i dont agree with your overall outlook, i do think this sounds, in general, like a good move.

I have a buddy who was in Med School at Georgetown and dropped out to become an officer in the army. That however is where the similarities drop off, he left because it had been his dream since he was a little boy to be in the military as an officer to help people and serve his country.

In anycase my point is the military can be a viable career choice, but your reason for going in shouldnt be to escape.

Your mentality towards social structure and socializing in genral seem to be drastically off. I think your biggest problem is somewhere along the line you subconsiously or not, decided that socializing was uncomfortable and unenjoyable.

Your putting way to much weight in how you look and what you have then who you are. Id rather be homeless and know who i am then have every material thing but be "lost".

You need to seriously break yourself down piece by piece, keep the core values and positive things that make you a good person, scrap the rest and rebuild your personality. Comb thru your past and present, rehash what youd do different, how, why...and what you wouldnt change. Then you need to go forward with the intent of having no regrets.

None of what you listed or spoke of address's the problems your facing, next time you see your doc ask him what the term "self medicating" means. If he cant explain it then ask me later and i will...because thats what your doing. Your choices are predicated on seperating yourself even further from society and life...and thats not a healthly mentallity.

You need to get your shit together man, it pains me to see you like this and im trying to help...but only people can change themselves, and they have to Need to change, wanting to isnt enough. You have the potential, the know-how, and a positive life...so utilize it and make the best of what you have.

This is why I didn't answer right away Larock. I've hammered you enough already.

Personally, I'm with Ka on every point here except one. I actually don't think this is a good move for you. Mainly because, as he pointed out, you're still running, you're still self-medicating. You're still not facing anything.

Id just like to point out i said "in general" and "viable career choice"...i never made it implicitive of him per say.

What i was trying to convey in maybe too many words was that the choice in and of itself is not a bad choice, the reason for making the choice is bad.

You need to "re-discover" yourself before you can grow...that includes in your finacial endevours, your social, or your health...because currently any dicisions you make will be tainted by your perspective and negative outlook.

Clear your head then decide what to do.

Ok Ka, Tripp. I had a break-through - at my latest session.
He pretty much said the exact same thing as you guys.

That I have to at least have the "option" open that a girl could be attracted to me.

When I get stopped in the parking lot when a girl says, "Wow. Nice Car." - I normally just say "Thanks" and keep walking. I must stop and realize that maybe, just maybe, she thinks I'm cute - and that car is just an opener and for me to keep the conversation going.

How do I break down myself? I'm going to attempt to shatter and explode a structure that has been sturdy for the past two decades. Where do I even begin? What exercises is there to break myself down to the core?

Who are you? What do you like to do? What are you passionate about?

Take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, making 2 columns. On the right side, write at the top "positive qualities I possess". On the left side, at the top, write "negative qualities I possess." Be brutally honest with your self on both sides of this equation.

Once done, look at the negatives and see what you can flush and what you can change. On the positives see what you can strengthen.

That's a good place to start.

LaRock, it's not about being attractive to girls. You first have to become attractive to yourself my friend, and then the girls will follow that magnetic feeling. Ka and La have offered some great advice, and Im happy you're now seeing a counselor.

I now see that you are trying your damnest to reach that point of self acceptance, but it takes time my friend. You have to stop beating yourself up about things, but acknowledge that immediate change be included in the process. So you have made some achievements, three degrees says a lot. It says you are working on finding your niche, and that your uber rich(joking, laugh now)

Im in the group that says," military is a good idea, but only if you feel it will help you get some sense of reality." Running away isn't a bad idea, as long as your running to something better. peace,lvoe and succe SS

LaRockStar wrote:

Ok Ka, Tripp. I had a break-through - at my latest session.
He pretty much said the exact same thing as you guys.

Ill be sending the bill in the mail ;-P

In anycase, theres really no set way to break yourself down and rebuild. Its whatever works best for you and im a firm beleiver that this process happens unplanned, spontaneous, and once youve hit rock bottom...

However thats just what i think based on my personal experience, there are other concepts of how to do this, as Tripp has shown his way of doing it and my way are different. Ive already outlined my way to you in a prior post, id suggest you go back and read some of those posts.

You see people complain all the time...my job sux, i want more friends, i want to have a g/f or have more sex, i wana be cool, i wana be in better shape, etc...99% of these people complain, but really they are content being right where they are...its the people who are at the absolute low, who NEED to change, that do.

Alot of us are good examples of this theory, as we got lonely, needed women  and friends in our lives, we socially hit rock bottom then we needed to change, found PU, and did change.

O and the first thing you need to do to change...including as a precursor to breaking yourself down...and for the sake of repitition im only telling you one last time...make it about YOU!

Instead of expecting other people to give you answers to your problems, expect yourself to. Im not saying asking for help or advice is bad, im saying form an opinion first, then ask, then modify your opinion if needed based on others input.

Ask yourself what you need to change, what needs to stay the same, and how you go about it

LOL, believe it or not Ka, I'm with you on this.

The only reason I give some sort of outline is because I hear too many times "outline a way to do it." Not the same thing works for everyone though. But, at least it's a start.

In the most emotional draining weeks of my life - I'm at an all-time low when it comes to my emotional state. In the same week of dropping out of my masters program, strongly considering joining the Navy OCS program, and entering my first car show - I then proceed to get rejected by the Navy Program I wanted to attend (Public Affairs. GPA is not high enough), I run over a wild raccoon and rips my bottom front end a week before my car show. The next day - my body shop guy clears his schedule - fixes my car - but does it - for FREE. I'm literraly on a roller-coaster.

I say that to say this. I'm tired of having outside influences effect my emotional state. My example is tonight. My body shop guy fixes my car - for free. Everything is great. I'm on my way to celebrate by picking up a few Cheesesteak sandwhiches for my parents. I stop at a stop - light - these dudes roll down their window - ask for my permission to take pictures with there cell phones - and tell me how awesome of a car this is.

Next light I turn into the strip mall to pick up sandwhiches - everyboody looks including an amazing blonde (easily a 9. - She just looks. Then gives me this god awful - "Why am I looking at her..." look. Her eyes just told me "Fuck off. Just cause you have a car doesn't mean your on my level." look. Crushed.

I walk into the resturant to order - I see a couple just eating the same sandwhiches I'm eating. He doesn't work out. In fact, he looks lazy. She is hella cute. After my order I slump down in the waiting line chairs. Suddenly depression sets in - I just worked out all this week, watched what I ate, busting my ass to get where I want to go physically. Why am I even here - going to eat this unhealthy sandwhich.

All in all. I don't think my world can get any more twisted. So here it is. At 11 o'clock at night - on this Friday evening - I'm here typing what I think I do and don't have about myself.

Positive Qualities I (think) I possess:
Personality - Very funny. Quick witted. Thoughtful. Kind.
Looks: Baby face. Dimples. Blue eyes. Great hair. Broad shouldered.
Successful: Well educated. Smart. Financially worry free.

Negative Qualities I (think) I possess:
Personality - Very judgmental. Quick to assume. No qualms about cutting people out/off. Very rare to get a 2nd chance.
Looks: Not good enough. Too much BF% no matter how much I lose.
Unsuccessful: Shy to the point of avoidance. Quick to eject in any uncomfortable situations. In the rare case I get into social situations - I think 2-3 steps ahead so i don't ruin the possible "close" outcome. I never really "am there..." in the conversation or situation.

While I have never had a bf% issue, I have had a body image problem in the past. I graduated high school at 5'6, 115. Needless to say I felt like a shrimp, and looked like skin and bones. Being underweight can be just as much a mental struggle as overweight. I felt I lacked the size to attract women. Fortunately, the height took care of itself in a few years, as I eventually reached about 5'9. But I still felt terribly underweight for years. I would of rather been thick boned, than rail thin. It took a good two years of deliberate efforts to gain weight to get where I was comfortable, once I made the choice to do what I needed too.

So stick with the weight loss, it takes time. Just make sure you don't get an unhealthy body to aim for. I float between 150 and 160, and finally feel comfortable in this range. I don't have ripped abs, broad shoulders, or bulging pectorals. Most likely never will. For years I thought this is what I had to reach, but eventually as my self confidence grew, and I reached a healthy weight I came to accept that being the peak of physical fitness isn't that important to me. For me accepting my body image, and being comfortable with it came down to two things. Reaching a healthy weight, because I really was unhealthy skinny when I was younger. But more important than that, was letting go of the obsession with the perfect body. Only a very few of us are blessed with the genetics to look like a greek statue. Marketing puts as much pressure on a guy's body image today as it does women. And some guys take the chiseled body to the same extreme anorexic women take being thin. Just take a look at some of today's body builders.

I'm with Sydrian on the whole body issue. I also grew up rail thin, so I know what he's talking about there. Today, I'm told I have "guns" on my arms, that my chest and back and stomach are tight and ripped. So, that stuff CAN change, but watch how you go about changing it. As he said, you don't want to get unhealthy in the process. I personally eat healthier than any one else that I know. They all actually admire how I eat and my discipline in eating healthy. It's a personal choice and one I stick with.

Now, for the most part, your post shows just how "in your head" you are, about . . . EVERYTHING. That's not good. But, it's also no surprise.

Now, for this: (I'm gonna be brutally honest about what "I" see)
Positive Qualities I (think) I possess:
Personality - Very funny. Quick witted. Thoughtful. Kind. (I personally don't see "very funny and quick witted". Why? Because you have to be social to have those qualities. If you're not social, your wit can't be quick because you're not calibrated. If you're not social you don't truly know if you're funny or not.)
Looks: Baby face. Dimples. Blue eyes. Great hair. Broad shouldered. (Personally I think this, and I've gotten the opinion of a couple of girls about this as well in the past . . . your look that you have on the avatar/pic here on the forum is MUCH better than the look you changed to.)
Successful: Well educated. Smart. Financially worry free.(The first two points I believe.)

Negative Qualities I (think) I possess:
Personality - Very judgmental. Quick to assume. No qualms about cutting people out/off. Very rare to get a 2nd chance. (Yep, and these are some things we've been telling you to change, to open your mind about.)
Looks: Not good enough. Too much BF% no matter how much I lose. (This is definitely a self image issue, which is slotted in what we call inner game. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. That's what THIS is.)
Unsuccessful:
Shy to the point of avoidance. Quick to eject in any uncomfortable
situations. In the rare case I get into social situations - I think 2-3
steps ahead so i don't ruin the possible "close" outcome. I never
really "am there..." in the conversation or situation. (Yes, EVENTUALLY you'll need to be "in the Now" or "in the moment" . . . but at first, when you're breaking your own ice, you should EXPECT to be thinking steps ahead. You don't become "natural" about any of this without first going through that process.)

You really can change yourself for the better . . . and kudos to you for taking the initiative on THIS step.

Im going a different direction with this....

First off, dont focus on anything you cant change. You cannot change your looks (as a reasonable person). You can change your style and appearence, even your physique...but your eyes will always be the same collor, your face the same relative shape, etc.

Since you cant change those things, it doesnt do any good to dwell on it.

The 2 biggest things you can change about yourself and still be you, are your outlook/perspective (your attitude, how you see the outside world), and your personality (how you interact with people, your morals, etc).

You CANT change the past, present, your physical features, your family, mental illness, etc...but you can...with a positive outlook, work around them.

Changing things like your clothing, working out, etc are all quick and easy ways to change outwardly...and while they can help with your inner game...the way you change your inner game is a combination of self awareness, positive and productive self-critique, self-motivation, and the NEED to change attitude.

Right now your that guy...yes That Guy...whinning about something that only he can change. I dont like my job (then look for another), Im fat (then workout), im lonely (then go out), etc. Right now your complaining and youve gotten a ton of feedback...yet you havent change one bit.

Your getting attention and you like it, subconsiously maybe, and im not feeding into it anymore. Im not doing it anymore because it will not help you.

If you want....i mean NEED to change...ask yourself the tough questions, and answer them yourself...go back and read all of our prior responses to you, and reflect on them. You NEED to help yourself before any of us can.

It's true, as Ka said. If you seriously look back over ALL the posts where we've dished out advice and suggestions, you've received a LOTTT already. You could literally go back through those and start growing a TONNNN.

Where it all starts, with your inner game, is being comfortable with yourself. That's foremost. You must . . . ACCEPT yourself for who you are. Which means you have to KNOW who you are. Know who you are, then accept who you are. Don't make yourself into what OTHERS want you to be. Accept who you are, for yourself. Then, the outward appearance starts to make sense. The not relying on other's opinions and judgments all the time, works. The inner confidence of knowing who you are regardless of what others say . . . starts coming together.

The positive vibe that is infectious and magnetic . . . starts coming together. It all starts with accepting yourself.

Thanks for the advice - again - guys. I'm sorry if it seems that I'm just asking, and asking, and asking - and then don't read what you guys say. I do. I guess it's one of the most difficult things to look inside - and change it.

Until I really accept my self...and stop continuously looking to alter myself to what I see as "successful" - I won't ever make any progress.

At what age did I start this warped since of reality?
What age did you guys truly "accept" yourself?

I remember distinctly being in 8th grade... and seeing the most beautiful girl in school - hold hands with this football player. I think from then on - if I looked like that...or drove this...or wore that... - then that's how it works.

Apparently...after a decade of inner struggles... that isn't how it works.

Dont apologize. You didnt do anything wrong.

Im just trying to point you in the right direction, and your right its hard to look at ones self and be objective. Introspection is an important function of adapting and changing.

So sit yourself down, take an honest look inside, and use the advice youve been given as a guide. Otherwise your gonna come here with the same questions reworded and we will give you the same answers reworded.

The first step in all of this is your gonna have to help yourself.

Rock . . . a friend of mine recently told me this about someone:
"That's because, deep down, she may not want to change this, may not genuinely want to stop hating you. It is easier to hate you than to try to change herself."

You don't need all the details about the situation. What's important is the last part. It's easier to hate others than to look inside yourself and change. You may not think you hate others, but with what you've told us about your social "life" . . . there is at least resentment there.

You're right, in this statement:

Quote :

Until I really accept my self...and stop continuously looking to alter myself to what I see as "successful" - I won't ever make any progress.

It's good to see you say that.

At what age . . . haha. That's hard to say man. I don't remember a specific age. I know growing up in school I DIDN'T accept myself. After high school I didn't accept myself. With my first marriage I didn't accept myself. Not even with my second marriage. It was somewhere after that point that I finally started . . . started realizing who I was. I found a job I was finally good at. Hanging chicken in a poultry plant of all things. Then another job I was good at. Delivering pizzas for Domino's. That's when I actually started making some decent money. I became one of the two top drivers in the store. Then I met who would become my 3rd wife. I was also discovering myself at that time. My real self. Now, today, I know who I am. It's not an overnight process.

And there WILL be bumps along the way. You'll feel like you're being set back and knocked on the ground. After I had figured out who I was . . . I lost a baby and had the state breathing down my neck. Well, our necks. Me and my 3rd wife. Had our son . . . on the verge of legally losing him. Every move we made was controlled by the state and the federal government. LITERALLY. I mean, we had to call someone to say we were heading out of town for ANYTHING, even to see my parents and my other kids for visitation. No joke. Had to give exact details, where we'd be, for how long, what we'd be doing, etc. It was hell on earth. Through all of that, I felt like I lost who I was. I had to struggle within myself and dig back into myself to find ME again.

It's about that time that I found the community. Yes, I found myself, then built a "rep" on PUAF . . . and the rest is "history".

So, what age? I have no idea. But do know that life is not perfect. It never will be. But you simply can NOT let THAT fact (and it is a fact) stand in your way and keep you on your ass when it knocks you on your ass. Because it will knock you. It's up to you to get back up and fight.

With in the past weeks, I've started a journal of sorts.
Really trying to be honest with myself and why I do things.

I realized - in my head - that it's easier to call a girl a whore than to admit she is out of my league.

I know this isn't good to raise my value so I can eventually have her.
At the same time, it is good - that I can admit to it.

LaRockStar wrote:

I realized - in my head - that it's easier to call a girl a whore than to admit she is out of my league.

I don't believe that there is an "out of your league" for anybody. The girls that really truly have the attitude that someone might be below them? They are far too stuck up and snobby to mess with, and quite often are nothing more than gold diggers. I'd prefer that girls like that go a head and blow me off. Saves me from wasting my time.

Sydrian, I definitely hear where you're coming from and don't disagree with that response at all. However, I don't think that's exactly where LaRock is coming from. A girl doesn't have to "blow him off" for him to feel like she's out of his league. She can simply be smoking hot, but be the sweetest girl in the world and wouldn't want to hurt a fly . . . but he wouldn't be able to walk up and talk to her. In his head, she's out of his league simply because of her looks.

LaRock, this is the first of . . . MANY realizations you'll have. Great to hear you've started a journal. You're now on your road to "recovery", lol.

I can relate to that. Used to have the same mind set about the smoking hotties. Still can't approach em, but at least I have a healthy mindset about it. My confidence defiantly used to be that low when it came to women.

Sydrian,

Was there anything in particular you did to raise your confidence with women? I know all of our inner game is different... but maybe something you read or exercises that helped you raise that level?

Confidence with women... I'm not exactly there yet. I still have paralyzing AA. A few things have helped me at least be more healthy in my mental viewpoint. Having a few girls in my life that chased me helped. My last GF still calls me her favorite x, lol. I finally came to terms with my body image, and quite frankly working retail for a few years helped my social confidence in general greatly. In retrospect, I'd often use excuses like "out of my leauge", or "not my type" to avoid interaction. It wasn't really something I belived, it was a lie I told myself. A way to avoid rejection. I'm a pretty happy person by nature, and have always accepted myself and never tried to be someone I'm not. I have, on the other hand, struggled at times with accepting that people accept me, but frat life, and several years in retail taught me a lot.

With my retail experiance, I should be able to approach anyone. I did it daily While I'm fairly weak at creating attraction, comfort building I can do very well as retail gives you alot of practice at it. I just have to get the mental block out of my head that tells me approaching a girl is different. If you have any sales, or customer service experiance alot of it directly relates.

Finally, find something you HAVE confidence in. I've always considered myself fairly intellegent, and tech savy. It has always given me a sense of identity, and let me know who I am. A few years in retail also gave me the confidence to know that I am generally good with people, most of the time. There are to this day people that still remember me from when I worked at a Footlocker. That was well over 5 years ago.

Sydrian, you definitely hit a few points that should greatly help LaRock.

One thing "I" want to hit for you though, is the point of creating attraction. If you can build comfort that well, creating attraction won't be that hard at all for you. You just have to . . . allow yourself the permission to create the attraction.

Things TO create attraction are easy. Teasing, push/pull, keeping the frame, leading, showing pre-selection, getting her to laugh, playing around with her. All that stuff is easy. The hard part is actually causing yourself to allow yourself the permission to actually do those things that build the attraction between you and the girl.

And that's something that is, again, in your head. It's still that fear of rejection, to an extent. I'd bet that deep down you're afraid she'll reject your advances, or at least won't feel the attraction, if you attempt those things that do build mutual attraction. The thing is, a lot of the times that a girl "rejects" your advances, it's because she's playing hard to get, not because she doesn't want you to advance. That's the whole societal pressure/slut thing.

I'll be the 1st to admit that my problems are all in my head. It's just a matter of letting go more than anything. Facing ones fears are quite often some of the more difficult, and rewarding things one can do. I've come along way from where I was 8-10 years ago. I feel once I start to get past my AA, things will change fairly easily for me. I truly feel I have a good part of the skills needed to succeed with women, I just haven't let myself. To believe that has been a long road of self reflection just in and of itself over the years. Even looking back, I see much more clearly that I had plenty of opportunities with women. I was just too blind to see them, to scared to take them, or lacked the confidence to believe them. The vast majority of my female friends have always been baffled by the fact I'm single, and have trouble meeting women. That in and of it self says a lot. I just didn't realize it till recently.