Approach Anxiety - Don't be afraid!

This post was brought on by a student who recently contacted me. He's read all kinds of literature and signed up for different things about how to get over this. However, he hasn't really made any approaches. I personally know that this student in question has even attended workshops and not approached women. So let's take a look at this word anxiety.

Anxiety is defined as: Anxiety is a physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These components combine to create the feelings that we typically recognize as anger and known as fear, apprehension, or worry. Anxiety is often accompanied by physical sensations such as heart palpitations, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headache. The cognitive component entails expectation of a diffuse and certain danger. Somatically the body prepares the organism to deal with threat (known as an emergency reaction): blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, bloodflow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the 'fight or flight' response). Externally, somatic signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Emotionally, anxiety causes a sense of dread or panic and physically causes nausea, diarrhea, and chills. Behaviorally, both voluntary and involuntary behaviors may arise directed at escaping or avoiding the source of anxiety and often maladaptive, being most extreme in anxiety disorders. However, anxiety is not always pathological or maladaptive: it is a common emotion along with fear, anger, sadness, and happiness, and it has a very important function in relation to survival.

Thanks wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety.

Okay, well all know what this feels like, and what it is. I think wiki describes it pretty well. In some ways I think the "scene" has caused more of this than it really needs to be. I'm not here to say that it's unnatural to fear doing new things. When I first started playing golf, I worried about looking like an idiot, hitting someone with my ball, and other things. It's completely normal to have some apprehension about new things, although I didn't fear playing golf. However, I feel because the scene talks about this so much, that we've turned normal apprehension into an anxiety by telling guys that everyone has this fear, and we've made it out to be the boogeyman of PUA.

Even Guru's if you want to call them that, like Mystery, tell you that even the best pickup artist in the world have approach anxiety. I'm sure that is true to a degree. I can see why he says it because those that feel that anxiety will of course identify with other Master's of the art and not feel bad about having those feelings. Also, so you'll continue in the arts and use their products. Who can blame them? However, so many guys spend so much time on the forums and combing through material trying to fix this fear. They think that knowledge is the key element to beating it. That if I just know enough about it, and how to do the methods then it will go away or be reduced.

NEWS FLASH - this doesn't go away by knowledge. I can know everything there is to know about golf, it's history, swing types, courses, and whatever else, but until I play I won't know what it's like. I have to just go out and do it until I get better at it. There is nothing more I can really do but practice. Same with approach anxiety. To help lessen the anxiety caused by approach anxiety you must approach! I know this is elementary for most of you guys on this forum, but not for all.

Now that we all have a good understanding of this let's exam a further element. By putting so much emphasis on "Approach Anxiety" in the community have we created a fear of Approach Anxiety. Meaning that basically not only does the new guy in the scene have some normal apprehension behind it, but now he truly has anxiety.

It's normal being uncomfortable in new surroundings, and with new things. That just comes from nature, and things hard-wired into to your humanity. After time of being in those new surroundings and trying those new things the actual anxiety most people feel lessens. I know some guys who must get use to going into a new venue like a club, and they just go out to the club, and spend some time in there. Then over time when they are more comfortable with the atmosphere then maybe they will approach. Some people can do it all in one night. Everyone is a little different in that regard. Take it as slow or as quick as you can. Obviously, the more people you approach and talk to on a daily or semi-daily basis the easier this gets.

Now for the answer to the million dollar newbie question. How do I cure approach anxiety? I'll answer this in a couple of ways. It is possible that you may have a social disorder to where you get so nervous and scared that it causes you physical and mental problems. This is an extreme case and does not apply in most situations. If that is the case then you made need actual counseling or medication to lessen it. You might need to seek out a psychologist or psychiatrist.

If you have normal apprehension about approaching and just trying something new, maybe worried about what she might say or do. This is very normal! Then the best thing you can do in this case is face your fears and start approaching. You may start off small by getting use to just asking people for the time, or good places to hang out. Some of you can jump right into to doing openers and stuff. Take what you feel comfortable with in your mind and then go one step further. Push your limits! You're going to have to just push through it, and get enough approaches under your belt to where your nervousness is reduced. It's not going to be easy and some nights you might freeze up, guess what it's okay, it happens.

When you first started riding a bike you hated it. You didn't hate the idea of riding the bike, you loved that idea! You hated the idea that you'd goof up and fall down and get hurt. You feared being hurt physically and maybe emotionally if someone laughed at you. Same way with this stuff. You don't really fear talking to the girl, you fear the pain that she may cause in you. You love the idea of being with women you just hate the idea that she's going to cause you pain. Well guys I hate to tell you you're going to feel this time and time again. Some women will blow you off, ouch! Some women may cheat on you, double ouch! Some women may leave you for another guy, OUCH! The world is full of disappointed and unhappiness. Sure some things work out great, but stuff is going to happen in life, you know this. Doesn't mean you stop living...so why is this any different? So get back on your bike with training wheels, eventually they'll come off and you'll be cruising like a big boy in PUA.

The biggest question you need to be asking yourself is why did I start doing this? I would hope that your answer is something along the lines of....I'm doing this because I want to be better in social situations...I'm doing this because I am sick of being scared of talking to women....I owe it to myself to.... If you are doing this just because then you might not be able to get past this, because you need to find your own inner motivation to plow through it. Unfortunately, I can't help you get that inner motivation. I and other teachers can help you identify it and use it but it's up to you to have it. Just make sure you're doing this for you!

So latch on to that reason in your mind. Remind yourself of how that makes you feel, and why you want to change. Then keep that though in your head. Repeat it to yourself as much as possible, and then the thought of letting yourself down will far outweigh the nervousness you feel about approach anxiety. This will become your fuel to drive through the fears of approaching or other things. It's easy to let others down, but there is no else you can blame if you let yourself down.

PEACE & LOVE