Online Dating Theories You Should Know

This is an exerpt from my online dating book that I wanted to share with the members here.

"Dating Theories

Since this isn't a book about building a relationship so much as it is how to meet people online I am going to move through this part very quickly. If you want get some relationship or dating advice I recommend going to your local library, bookstore, or the Internet. You will likely find a vast selection of these types of books. I will share with you some theories I've learned that I feel are very relative to online dating, in regards to attracting a person, and sitting eye to eye with them.

Contact Sport Theory is a theory that is not new at all to the world of online dating. The idea behind this is to treat the dating site like a contact sport, simply meaning the more women you contact the better off you will do. You basically spam the entire site of women in your area with emails and messages. The idea implies that odds alone with find you a person to date. The theory pays no regard to the other person. There is no selection in whether or not they are attractive to you, or if you have stuff in common with them. Many sites have a quick contact type of feature that will allow you to "Wink." "Quick Reply," or send a generic pre-scripted opener provided by the site. This is a quick way to contact people without spending a lot of time online, but the problem is women get bombarded with these types of responses.

The reason I address this theory is for you to stand out in the girl's Inbox, you are going to need to create a good short email to her. The theory sounds like it is accurate because it would make sense that if you contacted more girls, then more would respond to you. Those ideas are completely false. When women sign up for these sites they are quickly spammed with dozens of emails and quick replies of interest. Not only does that make it tough, but most sites highlight their new members making it easier for guys to find them. If that isn't enough then they will also include their profile in an email to you if they are a potential "match” along with listings for several other women. It's so easy to send a quick response and effortless, that she probably won't respond to you. Instead I recommend on focusing on 5 women at a time. When you get to a site and complete your profile which is discussed in a few moments, you email 5 women you are sincerely interested in. You are attracted to them, you like what they had to say in the profile, and you see some common ground that you can build from. Then you will email these wonderful ladies, but more on that later in this book.

Cat-String Theory is another theory not new to the world of dating. This idea was developed by Mystery, a Venusian artist, that teaches attraction techniques. This theory has been tested time and time again with all types of women. The idea is you want to keep a lady like a cat after a string. If you dangle the string in front of the cat and move it slightly the cat pounces. If you move it too far, it won’t waste the effort. Lastly, if you lay the string down at the cat’s feet it will become bored and walk away. This theory applies in the since that you should not email, instant message, or call every single day. When you do this you come across to your potential date as needy. It would be better to appear busy, and having little free time. A man who is constantly busy appears to have more social value than a man who sits at home all day on the Internet and does nothing.

In application, when you receive an instant message or phone call from a woman if you said something to the effect of, “Hello, I’m just about to walk out the door, but I have just a minute.” This sounds much better to your potential date than, “I have been waiting for you to sign on all day.” The first sounds less needy and will perceive you to have more value. This applies in person as well, meaning if you play a little hard to get then it is better than becoming her shadow that follows her around constantly. This all implies that you are making her work for you, and that you are the prize to be one. After all, you deserve being chased after as well all have much to offer the opposite sex.

Comfort Escalation Theory is a theory that I have developed. The idea is that each level of contact with your potential online date is a new level of comfort. We will start in the beginning looking at this theory. When you send an email to your potential date, she will likely read the email in conjunction with your profile online. If she likes you enough, she will contact you back. This is a level of comfort that is very basic, but means that you have enough written down on your profile that she likes. You didn’t come across as creepy or too needy in your email and she wants to respond back. You have reached the first of many levels of comfort with your potential date. Each level of contact after the initial email moves you further along in the comfort phase with her. When you go from emailing to talking over instant messenger she has mentally committed to another level of comfort. Then from instant messenger to the phone, you have yet another level of comfort. This continues from meeting in person, to light touching, to kissing, and more. It is important for you to understand where you are in the comfort level with your potential online date. If you must keep notes on your talks and interactions as it will help you during future conversations. I personally keep text documents when I talk to women. I may put in there their favorite restaurant, brother’s name, city she’s from, and general qualities we have in common.

This sounds kind of creepy at first because it sounds like you are not interested in her. However, sometimes it can take a few weeks of random talking to build enough comfort and rapport to go out on a date. Before that date you now have your notes of what has been discussed and can avoid potentially embarrassing moments. As I mentioned before, at times I may be talking to 4 or 5 women online and a few in person. This can get confusing so the notes help me remember what happened and what was discussed with each girl. At the end of the dates I go on I will go home and takes notes to what was discussed. Believe me when you are month into your relationship and you can recite items from dates long since past she knows that you were listening. If you haven’t been around women very long this is a very good thing to show that you have good listening skills.

On the average it’s going to take a couple of hours of talking to typically meet someone in person. This may take place in one day, or over the course of a few weeks. I have been able to receive messages on a dating site, talk to them on instant messenger, and within an hour have their phone number and a date setup. These results are not typical but it does happen. Typically, two to four hours of talking through email, messengers, or on the phone is what is needed to build enough comfort so that she trusts you enough to meet in a public place. The reason you meet in a public place is not only for your safety but hers as well. You don’t know who these women or men are and you have to be careful. If you really like each other you can always go someplace private later."

Online Dating BlackBook by J. Smooth © 2008