Top 10 Reasons Not to Sleep with Him
By The LifeScript Editorial Staff
Monday, February 4, 2008
As the weather outside grows cooler, you may be tempted to heat things up indoors. Forget cuddling – it’s time for something steamier. But look before you leap… because your new flame could be your next mistake. Here are 10 very good reasons not to knock boots with him...
1. You’re not as detached as you think.
Call it the curse (and blessing) of Sex and the City. Guys finally got the message that just because a woman wants to get naked with him doesn’t mean she wants a marriage proposal. However, it also advanced the idea of unemotional sex, which according to science is more difficult than it seems.
In her book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both (Riverhead Hardcover, 2007), author Laura Sessions Stepp highlights research studies that conclude having sex releases a different set of brain chemicals in women than men.
Specifically, women get a large dose of oxytocin, the hormone that makes you want to bond and create relationships. Men don’t get the oxytocin warm-fuzzies because of testosterone, making it easier for them to “love and leave,” at least biologically speaking.
Stepp says that evolution has hard-wired us for these tendencies, which can be confusing in our sexually liberated world. So be warned: You may want the sex to be casual… but you could end up with a serious case of attachment.
2. He may be cheating on someone else… with you!
Why is this your problem, you may ask? You’re not the one being unfaithful. But do you really want to be the “other woman?” The one who breaks up a relationship and causes another woman’s heartbreak? We’re guessing not. (See related story: 6 Reasons Why Men Cheat)
Even the sneakiest guy can give away clues that he’s taken:
# He only gives you his cell phone number and always leaves the room to take calls.
# He’s quick to suggest hanging out at your place but never offers up his own digs.
# He avoids taking you to certain neighborhoods (and not because they’re dangerous).
# Suddenly no one has a name. He was out with “the guys” or “people from work.”
# He becomes defensive when you ask him questions about his weekend plans, where he hangs out, etc.
Even if you’re not planning a long-term relationship with the guy, you should steer clear of him and his unfaithful ways. And if you’re hoping your night of passion leads to a hand-holding, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, just know that once a cheater, always a cheater.
3. He’s a taker.
“Taking” isn’t always about money. A guy can be a taker in other ways – time, attention, your sexual generosity.
But first, the money: There’s no right or wrong about who pays for dates, as long as you’re both okay with the arrangement. However, if you open your wallet more often than you’d like and you’ve expressed this to him, then it’s probably time to cash in and call it quits.
He may also exploit your attraction in other ways. Can you pick him up from the airport? (Cabs cost so much!) Do his laundry? (He’s out of soap.) Host a couple of his buddies to watch the game? (You’re such a good cook.) Buy his mom a birthday present? (He has no idea what to get.) If any of these sound familiar, you’ve got a taker.
Unfortunately, this attitude usually continues in the bedroom. Don’t expect this guy to be attentive to your needs and preferences – most likely, his pleasure comes first and probably last.
4. He’s clingy.
It’s true that some women like this quality. But too often clingy turns into possessive, demanding and selfish.
Beware of someone who moves at the speed of light when trying to win you over. It’s usually a sign that he’s uncomfortable being by himself, or he’s looking for a woman to help solve his problems. Asking for intimacy too quickly or spilling loads of very personal information could be acts of desperation, and that’s definitely a bad sign in a significant other.
Signs that he’s clingy include:
# He calls you several times a day and wants to talk for hours at a time, even when you have important things to do.
# He becomes short-tempered or whiny when you want to spend time with anyone else.
# He’s excessively close to his mom (or both parents). He may be expecting you to mother him the way she does. (See related story: Moochers, Mama’s Boys and More)
http://www.lifescript.com/channels/well_being/Meditations_Motivations/relationship_red_flags_that_you_shouldnt_ignore.asp5. He just got out of a relationship.
Timing can be everything. While a rebound relationship might work out for the best, a recent breakup is usually a big, glaring red flag. If you’ve been through a bad split, you know that it takes a long time to completely recover. And if your guy is newly single, he’s still going through the recovery process.
Most likely, he’s not ready for another long-term commitment, even if he thinks he is. Without knowing it, he may be seeking another relationship to prove to himself that he is still desirable and worthy of love and affection… especially if he didn’t initiate the breakup. He could also be looking for validation that he wasn’t at fault.
In short, he may be using you to fill his loneliness, whether he realizes it or not. Of course, guys aren’t always that introspective and may take a far simpler approach. You know those movies in which a guy’s buddies tell him he has to “nail some chick” to heal his broken heart? Don’t be that chick. Not unless you’re 100% sure your interest in him lies only below the belt.