Larger than an opener....

I was sitting down watching Season 4 of the Office (excellent show...) and something clicked. What is Love?
Now for me personally, when I have issues with AA it is because I feel Not-Worthy to approach a HB9, or if I feel uncomfortable in a situation.

One of the possibilities of me not being in a true "LTR" - is a defense mechanism of getting hurt.
When I talk to somebody about their significant other - there are two questions I always ask...
1) How did they meet - (Just more information that relationships CAN and DO start anywhere...)
and the biggest mystery...
2) How did they know that he/she was the one?

I'm going to be 24 in Janaury - so I'm still on the cusp of being young. At the same time...a steady relationship always begs the question - "Shit or get off the pot..."

I'm scared...

With the divorce rate so high, and women cheating on guys and guys cheating on women (I've been on both sides of the fence. Been cheated on, and was the guy that was being cheated with...) - how can you trust somebody with something as precious as - well - your heart.

I am a workaholic. Between 45-50 hours a week. I've had many girls approach me and say, "David...why do you work so much. Money isn't an issue for you. Your bills are always in order...Why the hard work ethic?" - I always say because I enjoy watching the zeros grow in my account.... but I had a FWB - call my bluff. As we lay there after sex, she goes... "The reason why you work so much, is because it's a fall back of getting into a relationship to get burned..."

Which is true...my first "high school sweet heart..." burned me. 3rd degree type stuff. Perhaps I never recovered, and I have a different outlook on women. I never hurt them, just I look at it like I had an itch to scratch - and it worked well for both parties. I've never led any girl on...but at the same time I've frozen many girls because they wanted more...

I say all this to get to the point. Tripp, J - you were all married before. Yet you still have faith in women.
How do you know? At some point, I want to stop having 1 night stands...and just having friends with benefits. But, at what point does that sink in? I single out Tripp, and J because I know about their divorces. Hobbit, Fortune, Rye...even Meg, Cali... How do you know that it's time to settle? I'm truly scared that I'm going to let it slip by...or worse - never get the opportunity to LET it slip by....

I used to be guarded when it came to relationships when I was younger. I felt that no girl would be worth the effort or time to invest in. At my first high school it was easier to hide the fact that all the girls liked me, but junior year I went to a dorm school. By senior year all the guys realized that all the girls worth dating liked me at one point or another. They used to ask why I didn't capitalize on my ability to be the school pimp. For most guys, the success I've always had with girls would make them happy. For me, it can be frustrating.

Senior year I ended up getting in my first serious LTR with the girl in my old picture. The only reason I initially dated her is because of the circumstances and the fact that she tried so hard in chasing me. The latter usually never mattered to me, but it did with her. She was that really hot girl in the school which all the high value males had tried to get at one time or another and she shot them all down. I decided if she was going to choose me, I should at least give it a shot.

After we graduated and our relationship ended, she had taught me many things. It didn't end badly, but didn't end as I would've liked either. At first I thought I had wasted a lot of time, since I put a lot of effort into my LTR's. However, I realized that it wasn't a waste. She taught me how not all girls were the same. She taught me more traits in girls I want to avoid and certain traits in girls I should look for that previously I never thought about. These things made me start to do more LTR's.

I've talked to a diverse group of girls since then. The way I decide if I want to get into a LTR with a girl is that I spend more than 7 hours getting to know her. I try to reasonably predict if she is going to be a girl who is worth the effort. Sure I look back and see that a few of the girls I've talked to were not good fits for me, but they each taught me something new. And each success or failure helps me get better at knowing what to look for when I am "gaming" a girl.

I figure that I'd rather spend the limited time I have on this Earth at getting better at noticing and gaming the girls whom I want to be in a LTR with. It's quite hard to find the girl who will be a good girlfriend, so I don't date often. However, this doesn't mean I don't stop looking. I mentioned earlier that I find it frustrating that I'm good with women at times. I just can't force myself to do random hookups and when I tried mLTR's I didn't like that either. The fact I can attract so many girls tends to remind of the fact there are so little number of girls whom I actually want to pursue. But each girl that I talk to teaches me something new. And that's much better than being guarded from a relationship. Life is too short.

Well, I'm considered a late bloomer. I lost my virginity right around my 19th b/day. It was also that girl that ended up being my first wife. I had not been with any other before I married her. We married and a couple of weeks later moved to a bigger city 3 hours away. Within 2 weeks after that she had an ex-b/f over the apartment one night while I was at work. I walked in on them.

Ha . . . how DO you know? I thought I knew with the first one.

As Hobbit said, though, I did learn some things with her.

For the second one, I really thought that was it. I hadn't been with another girl between those two, either. We stayed together for about 6 years, around there. I . . . ended up not being so happy with the way I was treated, or rather taken for granted, and ended up cheating on her. Right in our own apartment . . . with a girl we had taken in to help. Yeah, I was a real prince.

Then, while being still married to her, but basically separated living under the same roof, I met my 3rd wife. With her, things actually clicked.

How do you know? Do you have the girl in your thoughts all the time? Do you crave being with her everyday? Do you miss her or wonder what she's doing when she's not around? Do you savor the "good mornings", "good nights", kisses, hugs, smiles, twinkles in her eyes? Is each moment a treasure? Do you want the seconds to start stretching on and on?

If some of those things start happening, then yeah, you've likely found the one. Until that happens . . . don't even let the thought enter your mind.

L.A. Tripp wrote:

How do you know? Do you have the girl in your thoughts all the time? Do you crave being with her everyday? Do you miss her or wonder what she's doing when she's not around? Do you savor the "good mornings", "good nights", kisses, hugs, smiles, twinkles in her eyes? Is each moment a treasure? Do you want the seconds to start stretching on and on?

If some of those things start happening, then yeah, you've likely found the one. Until that happens . . . don't even let the thought enter your mind.

That is exactly how I felt about my ex-wife actually.



It was what I thought was the perfect relationship in a lot of ways. I got engaged to her at 19 and married to her at 21. I figured with being engaged for a few years we knew enough about each other. I know we loved each other starting out. Then after about 2.5-3 years things started changing. We didn't see each other much anymore. She was constantly finding stuff to do to not be at home when I was there. I saw the warning signs and tried to save it but couldn't. Then I started my new job in Nashville and so did she for the same company but different departments. She cheats on me with someone she works with, and then her christian soul feels guilty so she tells me about it.

I can still tell you that the marriage of 4 years was worth it. I can honestly say I haven't loved anyone like that before in my life. Tripp describes it well in what I quoted. That and the other thing for me was every time I saw her for the first month I think my heart jumped into my throat, and I got the butterflies in my stomach. I was seriously super nervous that I would screw it up big time. That could have been my AA and AFC brain kicking in we'll see next time.

I can tell you that...I am looking for that feeling again in a LTR. You know I spend a lot of time with a great girl now and she tells me that she loves me. I don't feel the same way and she knows it. I like her a lot but....I don't feel like she does. She's understanding with that and likes spending time with me and vice versa.

Believe me man you will know when those feelings start hitting you. Don't feel like you have to shit or get off the pot with marriage because that is what leads to divorces, and I'm sure you'll find a great woman.

You know its time to settle when you dont have to ask yourself if its time to settle...

45-50 hours a week is not work aholic...granted its more then 40 hours a week, did you ever think you have more work ethic because its the right aproach to life, that maybe youd rather work harder now so you dont have to when your an olf fart. Work aholic is the guy who owns a resturaunt and works 120 hours a week, or the single mother who works 2-3 jobs to support her kids.

Why are you stressin relationship stuff? Sounds to me like the relationship isnt what you desire, instead you want to be reassured that if you open up to someone and let them in your life they wont do the mexican hat dance on your heart...

And the truth is, more often then not, they will. What you have to realize though is you can spend the rest of your life not knowing if id work out with a girl, or you can find out. Personally id rather look back on something and wish id hadnt done it then spend the rest of my life wondering what if...

There are girls i know i coulda been with as long as 10 years back and i still think about "what if" with them, even though i cant change what happened, and there are girls ive went the distance with and think to myself "wtf was i doing" and i pay them almost no thought to them anymore.

Do whats best for you, open yourself to new experiences and people, and realize if you try and block out the bad ones the good one will never get through your defenses. You have more to lose by not allowing intamacy then by "protecting" yourself.

LaRockstar, I don't know when it's time to settle down, bro. I honestly haven't had any inklings upon that proposal, until as recently as yesterday. I still have some societal kinks that need to be adjusted until I can fully become a conformed man, and include myself on the marriage blocks. For the right now, I have no plans on canceling museum dates with Alice because I need to spend time with Alexandria and delve deep into the topic of exclusive dating. Furthermore, I can agree with you about placing the entire heart out there, and having that said heart mauled and maimed by some delicious femme fatale who's a maneater. I would rather not have that scene play out another portion on 'my theatre life stage' just for chuckles and laughs. I have had my pride reduced and confidence shattered by handing over the reins of my heart. I prefer to tread cautiously know, and when I can't stands no more, I will become full circle and extend an invite to the young lady who I feel I just can't live any longer without her.

For now, that time is off somewhere in the cold distance. I am content to live and interact with as many girls that come onto my horizon. I decided for myself, that I refused to let this society define me on what age, I should decide on becoming apart of marriage matrix. I won't take any pills on that subject either. Although, Shakespeare maybe correct in writing," For tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." I am going to make my choice on being a modern man, since I have loved and lost previously. That could be my escapism coming into the foray, or just my antidote.

Hobbit, Ka, Tripp, Meg, and Jsmooth have all offered insightful slices for your consumption. Jsmooth, nice looking bride brother.

Tripp, I am giving you just one more warning about using that satellite imagery. At the tailend of your post when you started to laundry list all the signs to look for. You were as accurate as a Warren Moon spiral. I have literally found myself in that predicatement, as recently as yesterday. I have never initally felt this way about a girl, but this one girl feels right. I finally comprehend what people mean, when they say," It was as if we were the only two people on Earth." Keep you posted. peace,lvoe and succe SS

Fortune, I think I'm a little TOO "in tune" to you bro, lol.

Anyway, seriously, play it out and see where it goes man.

LaRockStar, you may meet your future wife tomorrow, or you may not meet her for another 10 years. None of us knows. With that in mind, don't worry your mind about it. You seriously can't worry that you will miss The One because you are playing the field. You'll feel the difference in the strength of the urges and feelings toward the girl or girls you are closer to.

Then, you also have to remember that it has to be mutual. SHE has to feel the same way toward you . . . so it's not ALL in your control, therefore . . . loosen yourself up.

Fortunehooks1 wrote:

Hobbit, Ka, Tripp, Meg, and Jsmooth have all offered insightful slices for your consumption. Jsmooth, nice looking bride brother.

I have? LOL!
I have yet to respond and yet its good SCORE!

Ka wrote:

You know its time to settle when you dont have to ask yourself if its time to settle...

45-50 hours a week is not work aholic...granted its more then 40 hours a week, did you ever think you have more work ethic because its the right aproach to life, that maybe youd rather work harder now so you dont have to when your an olf fart. Work aholic is the guy who owns a resturaunt and works 120 hours a week, or the single mother who works 2-3 jobs to support her kids.

I totally agree with Ka. I wouldn't say that working a lot has anything to do with running away from a relationship. I think you work because you are trying to create a better future. You are young with goals. See the thing is that if you found that amazing girl you would still find the time to be with her despite your busy life. You would make time if she was worth it.