Post some funny jokes.

Walmart Returns"

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

THOUGHTS OF A MAN ]

Thoughts of a man.....

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big **** or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!


The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!


JUDGING OTHERS" Heheehehe





An elephant asked a camel,
"Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question
From somebody whose wiener is on his face


Little Johnny
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came
for
the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them
one
at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however,
knowing
that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of
chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his
report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Bob
left
town suddenly."


"OLD AGE"
Two Wall-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break. One
turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 75 years old and I'm just full
of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his
co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, Really? A
new born babe???" "Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair, and I'm
pretty sure I just **** my pants."


A Husband's Demands

A husband had just finished reading a new book,

"You can be the man of your house".

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife...

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,
"From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my
word is law!"

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal.

You will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

....after that, You are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have
the sex that I want.

....after that, You are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

....then, You will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's all done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"....

His wife replied,

"The fucking funeral director would be my guess."



"Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women"


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another
gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of
ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask,"Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a
woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Very nice post man. Excellent idea for a thread.

Rogers’ wife has a grown up daughter from a previous marriage.
Rogers’ father left his mother, and married his wife’s daughter. Roger’s wife had the daughter before Roger and his wife were married.
Which means, that as Rogers’ wifes’ daughter has married his father, his father has now become his Son-in Law, and his wife’s daughter has become his mother, because Rogers’ stepdaughter is his fathers’ wife!
So, Rogers’ wife has a son, who is his fathers’ Brother-in-Law.
Which makes it obvious that he’s Rogers’ fathers’ wife’s brother.
But he’s not only Rogers’ son. He’s his uncle also because he’s his mothers’ brother, because his fathers’ wife is his wife’s daughter.
Which means, when Rogers daughter, (his fathers’ wife), and his mother had a son, he became Rogers’ brother, because he’s Rogers’ fathers’ son. But he’s the son of his daughter also.
Which makes Roger his Grandfather, and Rogers’ wife suddenly his Grandmother.
So. In conclusion:-
Roger is his wife’s husband. But he’s her Grandson too. Because he’s the brother of her daughters’ son, and since his Grandmothers’ husband must be his Grandfather.
Then it must be logical that Roger is his own…..GRANDFATHER!


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again."
she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
The moral of the story:


Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get
it wrong.



A man comes home from work, to find his wife working out with a pair of dumbbells, and an assorted array of training equipment strategically placed around the living room.
“What’s all this?” He asks.
“Well dear, I read an article in my magazine, which said it would help me achieve a better body.”
“And how much did it cost?”
She replies. “$2000.”
“$2000 !”
he wails,
“I work my nuts off to earn that sort of money. What do you want with all this equipment at that price for anyway?”
“Well.”
She replies.
“It says in the article, that if I use the dumbbells and weight training equipment enough, it’ll make my boobs bigger.”
“BOOBS bigger! You don’t need any weight training equipment to make your boobs bigger. You just need a couple of pieces of toilet paper.”
“How will that work?”
asks his wife.
“You get the toilet paper and rub it between your boobs, and they’ll get bigger.”
“Will it work?”
enquires his wife.
“Of course it’ll work.
Look what it’s done for your ass!

Best Divorce Letter ..Ever!


Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband.

P.S. SO. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.



Kentucky humor


After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly BITCH he's runnin' around with.



When Joe first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Joe became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Joe's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Joe be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs!"


Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good
sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

“I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. X”

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the
table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?”

His son replied, “Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper,I'm married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50, Two Aspirins 20c
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS


a blonde is pulled over for speeding by a blonde police officer. when asked for her license, she fumbles in her purse for a time but can't find it. "what does it look like" she asks. "it's rectangular and about this big" replies the blonde officer. she finally pulls out a makeup mirror and hands it to the officer. the officer looks at it and raises an eyebrow..."oh, i didn't know you were a police officer, you may proceed...just slow it down eh?"

read this somewhere a while ago and had to continue the divorce letter thing

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. ***** like you wouldn't believe and ass that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the ***** remote is?

Love Dan

I'm loving these guys. Keep em going.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said,
"TWO PROSTITUTES ... ... $50.00."
A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying,
"JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."
So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which read ...
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER ... ... $50.00!"



A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as a basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

'What's that?' the lady questions.

'Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see

my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.'

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, He has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this

tattoo is seen on TV.

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

You didn't tell me you had AIDS!' the lady screams.

'No, no! Calm down,' the man replies. 'This will say ADIDAS in a minute.



A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home
and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should
have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for
disability, too."



Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."


GIRL'S THAT DON'T PUT OUT

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.


I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.

I LOVE that last one.

ok so this blonde is going door to door to do odd jobs for money,
she walks up to a house and knocks on the door and asks if there is anything she can do.
the guy says well yeah u can paint my porch, all the supplies u need are in the garage...
so a an hour so later the blonde knocks on the door and say ok im all finished
the guy asks in astonishmen, really?...did u have enough paint?
the blonde says oh yeah i had enough for two coats. then says oh yea..by the way,,,its a lexus not a porch!


Blonde,Red Head and Brunette are waiting in their doctor's office awaiting the results of the sex of their unborn. The redhead says " I bet I have a boy because my husband was on top", Red Head replied,"If that's true, I'm gonna have a girl, cuz I was on top" and the blonde cried, "I'm gonna have puppies!"


One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"


Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says,
“Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,”
answers the man.
“I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy,
“Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,”
answers the second man.
“I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man,
“Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,”
he answers.
“I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong?”
the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…


Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........



Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation.


They get very drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they
are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what
they did the night before


The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and
is asked if she has any last words.


She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and
believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the
innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens.


They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.


The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last
words...'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in
the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They
throw the switch and again, nothing happens.


Again they all immediately fall to their knees , beg for
forgiveness and release her.


The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
'Well, I'm from the University of Mississippi and just graduated with a degree
in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't
gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in



KidsAreQuick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the

floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we

didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's

cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his

father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before

eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same

as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking

when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

A little boy (who had been looking out the window of the
airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I
saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said
'yes she did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.'


A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"


You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there
was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'


Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'


John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked,
“Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied,
“They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said,
“I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said,
“Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog,
“Cold Water, go lie down!”


A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn on the road.
A farmer who lived nearby went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
“Hey, Willie,”
the farmer said,
“forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I’ll help you with that wagon after we eat.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, but Pa won’t like that,”
Willie replied.
“Aw, come on, son. Take a break,”
the farmer insisted.
“Well, O.K.,”
the boy finally agreed,
“but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer.
“I feel a lot better now, but I know that Pa will be upset.”
“Nonsense,” the farmer said.
“Where is your pa anyway?”
“Under the wagon.”



Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact t hat she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

The Bank of America is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new ‘Drive Through’ cash point machines, where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable our customers to make full use of these amenities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.
Please read the procedures which apply to you, (Male or Female), and remember them for when you first use our new machines.

MALE CUSTOMERS

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.


FEMALE CUSTOMERS

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2.Reverse back the required distance to align car window with the cash machine.

3. Re-start the stalled engine.

4. Wind down your car window.

5. Find handbag. Tip all contents onto passenger
seat and locate card.

6. Turn down radio.

7. Attempt to insert card.

8. Open the car door to allow easier access to cash machine, due to its excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find your diary with your PIN, written on the inside back page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press ‘Cancel’ and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check make-up in the rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse.

18. Place cash in purse.

19. Place receipt in back of chequebook.

20. Re-check make up.

21. Drive forward 5 yards.

22. Reverse back to cash machine.

23. Retrieve card.

24. Re-empty handbag and locate card holder.

25. Place card in the slot provided.

26. Drive for two or three miles.

27. Release handbrake.

28. Continue journey.



Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says,
"John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me ... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says,
'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said
'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says,
"What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave ... I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said
'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said,
'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim!" Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.
Dave says,
"John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin'my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here! She says,
'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said,
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out ... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and ...
She had a d!ck, Dave! She had this great BIG f*cking d!ck! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't f*cking swim, man!"


A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."



A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Bartender, let me have ten shots of liquor right now, real quick!"

As the bartender places all ten shots of liquor in front of the man, he asks, "Excuse me for being nosy, but why the ten shots of liquor?"

The man replies, "Well bartender, I am celebrating my first blow job."

The bartender says, "Hey now, that is a reason to celebrate...in fact, you can have an extra shot on the house!"

The man replies, "Bartender, don't even worry about it, because if ten shots of liquor can't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing can!!!!!!" ( Thats just sick man)





Bra Sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!



Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"




A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."



Grandmas don't know everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily , Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.




We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband. When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?" The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE." A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida." The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?" The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup." The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida." The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind

him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the

ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That

will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls

out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,

'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks

the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a

salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse

me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact

change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the

attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and

offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for

anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right

amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich

as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall

chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'



Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula ................
"Oh no you don't"she said, "they're for the funeral."


A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.


Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (Except France ) is sending food and money.

The United States , not to be out done, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God Bless America !!!!



A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

An old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch when Little Johnny walks by carrying a roll of chicken wire under his arm.
“Where are you going with the chicken wire, sonny?”
asked the old man.
“Gonna get me some chickens,”
replied Little Johnny.
The old man just smiled and thought
“Oh yeah, OK.”
A couple of hours later, Little Johnny returns with a cage, made out of chicken wire with two chickens inside.
The old man sees them and his mouth drops open in surprise.
A couple of days later, the old man is once again sitting on his porch when Little Johnny walks by, carrying a box.
“Whatcha got in the box Johnny?
“I got me some Duct tape,”
replies Little Johnny.
“What you gonna do with the Duct tape?”
“Gonna get me some ducks.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it.”
Says the old man.
A couple of hours later, Little Johnny returns, with a box, sealed, and the sound of quacking ducks coming from within.
Another couple of days pass, and once again the old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, when Little Johnny walks by carrying some tree branches.
“Whatcha got there today sonny,”
asks the old man.
“Püssy Willow.” Replies Little Johnny.
The old man stands up and says,
“Hang on a minute, I’ll get my coat.


A man's wife is standing naked in front of a full length mirror and says to her husband:" I am feeling fat, wrinkled and don't like the way I look, please say something nice".

The husband thinks for a moment and says to his wife" honey, your eyesight is perfect".

He never heard the shot coming.



A man walks into a bar and orders the most potent liquor they had and in the blink of an eye gulps it down. He does this ten times in a row and never loses his composure.

The bartender is impressed and approaches the man. "You seem to be able to handle yourself pretty well,"

The man replies, " OK, sure....why do you ask?", then he promptly orders ten more drinks.

The bartender is amazed then says, " You see that jar over there with the money in it?"

"Sure do," the man replies as he orders more drinks.

"There is over six thousand dollars in it. I have three tasks You need to do and the money is yours. First I have a five month old pit-bull that needs her tooth pulled. Second, you see the bouncer standing by the door?"

"You mean that tree by the door, don't you?" the man replies as he refills.

"I need you to fire him for me. Last, but not least, my wife is upstairs. She weighs over 600 pounds and I haven's slept with her in over five years. You do all three of these tasks and the money is yours."

"Not a problem." the man replies as he drains the last glass. He gets up and goes out back. You can hear the dog barking and growling then it turns into howls of excruciating pain. The man walks in and tells the bartender, "That's one down."

The man approaches the bartender, promptly and without warning punches him squarely in the balls and as he passes out, tells him he's fired.

The man approaches the bar and says to the bartender, "OK that's two down....Now where is this 600 pound b*tch that needs her tooth pulled!"



This guy goes to a super market and goes to aisle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in aisle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to aisle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in aisle 12"



Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age
would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from
your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure,
twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet."



A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."



Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.



Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.


Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,

'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'


Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off' ( HAHAHAHAHA)

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:


'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. '

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after
dinner.'

The teacher fainted...




George Bush wakes up one winter morning after a mighty snowstorm and decides to greet the sun on the balcony. When the sun rises, Bush looks on the White House lawn and notices that someone urinated a message on the lawn that said, "**** George Bush!"

Bush storms into the Secret Service office and demands that the culprit be found immediately.

Several hours later, the deputy chief of the Secret Service comes by to report. "Well, we have good news and bad news."

Bush asks for the good news first (of course).

"The good news is that we conducted a urinalysis and determined that the culprit is Bill Clinton."

"And the bad?", asks Bush impatiently.

"The bad news, sir, is that we also performed a handwriting analysis and determined that the culprit is your wife."



little johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina
he asks her what is it , and she is embarrassed and replies , oh thats mommy blank sponge.

a few days later johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor , mommy i need your black sponge to mop up the milk.

she replied i lost it honey

a couple of days later he came running up to her and says mommy i found your black sponge , mystified she says where honey

little johnny says , its over at mrs johnsons house and daddy is washing his face in it




A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."




A blond was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

When a neighbor asked her 'Why WALMART?'

She answered 'HELLOOOOOOOOO! WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!




A man and wife are shopping in a supermarket, when the man
puts a case of beer in the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 a case', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the
wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face
cream and sticks it into the cart

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'




Alcohol Warnings
A little humor off the net ...

Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following Warning labels be placed immediately on all bottles.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy





A blonde found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago, so she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home.

He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees taking care of his best friend. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce." ( ouch! I really hope this doesn't ever happen to our troops)



Okay so a guy is
nearing the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.




One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.






The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.







Lettuce!!!























Tomato!!!























Lettuce!!!
























Tomato!!!
























Lettuce!!!





















Tomato!!!






















She screams.



















Lettuce!!!




























Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!








PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

i CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see? "
The Lone Ranger replies,
"I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?"
asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo sh!t. It means someone stole the tent!"



You're An EXTREME Redneck When
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.




The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.




GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,

picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,

'Son, how old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.

They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now,
he can't do either one.'



Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the nght before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. !

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude an punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

What do you call a black guy from canada who flys a plane?
A pilot, what are you racsist!

Why did god create gentiles?
Someone has to shop retail!

2 Blondes walk into a bar...
You'd think one of them woulda seen it!

I beleave in retro active abortion....

More to come im tired...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.


"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."


One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said, “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The eyes said, “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The hands said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The stomach said, “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The legs said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

Then the rectum said, “I think I should be in charge.”

All the rest of the parts said, “You?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, any a$$hole can do it.


A man who just went jungle trekking got lost. He then found a wooden hut the size of a bungalow. He then decided to seek there for shelter. When he knocked on the door, an old man responded. The man asked for food and water. The old man accepted him.
"One one condition though,"
said the old man,
"you must promise not to touch my daughter."
The man agreed. On the dinner table, the man saw the daughter and got turned on.
So in the middle of the night, he raped her. In the morning, he found a large rock on his chest that almost stopped him from breathing. On the rock, a note said:
PUNISHMENT #1: ROCK PLACED ON YOUR CHEST TO STOP YOU FROM BREATHING.
So, he took the rock and threw it out the window, but another note appeared:
PUNISHMENT #2: LARGE ROCK TIED TO YOUR LEFT TESTICLES.
He was shocked so he jumped out the window together with the rock.
Unfortunately, the third note appeared: PUNISHMENT #3: YOUR RIGHT TESTES WAS TIED TO THE BEDPOST.



1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. TEXAS
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars and my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, 'Juarez your problem?'

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.



It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good Pepito! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’"?

Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pepito put his hand up."J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."

At that point, a student in the back said," I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to Japans Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we’re in BIG trouble!, we better get the hell outta here!!"

Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."



There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror and admires his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. Which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "Thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her can, remarking to the other little old lady saying, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady said, "Look at that.......
When I was 20 - - I was curious about it
When I was 30 - - I enjoyed it
When I was 40 - - I asked for it
When I was 50 - - I paid for it
When I was 60 - - I prayed for it
When I was 70 - - I forgot about it
And now that I am 80, The DAMN things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!! ( HAHAHA )


Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

MattJacks wrote:

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

_________________________________________________________________


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

LOL! That's all I have to say

How many Emo's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, Emo's cry in the dark.